Create boundaries around how you spend your time by changing your mindset.
In this day and age, it’s difficult to create boundaries around how we spend our time. There’s so much demand for our time, it can be hard to figure out what is worthy of it. Each one of us has our own priorities and if we don’t create boundaries around them, people will abuse your generosity and waste your time.
You need to be in control of your time and focus on your happiness. We all know how hard it is to say ‘no’ and to prioritize ourselves without feeling selfish. But the truth is, you are the ONLY ONE who will prioritize yourself. If you don’t, you are in danger of not living life on your terms and allowing others to dictate your life.
I will discuss in this post things to think about or put into practice that will help you to create boundaries around your time and ease your guilt of not saying ‘yes’ to everything.
All Time is Equal
Many moons ago now, I was heavily involved as PTA Treasurer in my childrens’ elementary school. We had a large group of dedicated women who planned many events and activities. The amount of work it took to pull them off was extensive. I often joked it was like a full-time job.
Almost daily, text requests would come through our group chat asking for a volunteer for something or other. Me, being the giving and generous person I am, would always jump to the chat with my availability. Even if I had other plans for the day, I never felt like they were important enough to say no. Because I was a stay-at-home mom, it was assumed that I was free during the day. I wasn’t doing anything important like working.
I often felt that my impromptu volunteering left my day a mess and curtailed the amount of time I was available to give to my family–which is the WHOLE REASON I’m a stay-at-home mom in the first place.
To be clear, I am NOT pitting working moms against stay-at-home moms. Each group has their challenges to face. What I AM trying to say in this post is, FOR ME, I had to realize that regardless of what I was doing, my time was just as valuable as someone who was working. No one’s time is more important than another’s. If volunteering was not convenient for me at the time, I can say no without feeling any guilt.
You Don’t Need a Reason
How often have you said no to someone or something and then followed it up with an excuse? Real or made up–it makes no difference. People, PLEASE stop doing this. You absolutely DO NOT need a reason for saying ‘no’ to anyone or anything. If you don’t want to do something, that’s it. It could be because you are tired, anxious, overscheduled, broke, or just don’t want to. All of those reasons are valid, and no one needs that information. It’s OK to say any of the following:
- Thank you for inviting me but I’ll have to pass
- I’ll take a raincheck
- No, thank you
- That doesn’t work for me
- I won’t be able to make it
- Maybe another time
- I’m sorry, I won’t be able to fit this in
- I have other plans
If the person you are saying ‘no’ to is a close friend or family member, and you feel comfortable giving a reason, then by all means, do so. However, you don’t need a reason to protect your time and sanity. If something doesn’t work for you, that’s all you have to say! You don’t need to have a ‘good enough’ excuse.
Ignoring is Best
This is such a fun one. I will refer to my PTA volunteering example again. As I said, I felt obligated to volunteer when no one else could. When I say it was like a full-time job, I mean it. I spent so much time on PTA duties that I got totally burnt out. That is when I learned the tool ‘ignoring is best’.
I used to be the person to jump right on our group text chain as soon as a question was asked, or a volunteer was needed. When I started feeling burnt out, however, I stopped doing that. I’d look at the notification and let it sit for a few hours before responding. What I found is that oftentimes, the problem would resolve itself or the question would be answered the next time I checked. I wasn’t the only person in the group capable of doing things, I was merely the first one to respond. When I waited, it seemed like things worked themselves out without my input.
This ‘ignoring is best’ tactic has been helpful in all areas of my life. Instead of racing to answer texts, emails, or phone calls, I let them sit for a while and respond if needed. This can also be helpful when you need a bit of time to think on things. You can read your text/email, think on it and respond when ready. A nice hack that helped me do this was to turn off my notifications both visually (the little red circle with a number inside) and aurally (the noise for incoming texts, emails, etc.)
In this day and age when anyone can be reached at any time via their smartphone, you need to create boundaries. Not rushing to answer right away lets people know you are putting limits on how often you are available. This in turn will teach them to reach out to someone else for immediate answers, figure it out themselves, or wait patiently for your response.
Control Your Exit
You know I can’t get through one of my posts without mentioning Gretchen Rubin! The last episode I listened to of the ‘Happier’ podcast, Gretchen and her sister, Elizabeth, spoke about controlling your exit. Controlling your exit means exactly that–having control over how and when you will leave any social situation. This is a way to create boundaries around your time while enjoying a social event on YOUR TERMS. As a person who suffers from anxiety and who has a socialization limit, I can respect this stress-relieving tool.
What I mean by ‘socialization limit’ is, though I can be very social and have a good time when I’m out, when it’s time for me to leave, I want to go…NOW. I cannot stand overstaying or long goodbyes. I much prefer the Irish Exit.
That’s why controlling your exit is key. Here are some ways you can control your exit:
- Drive yourself to an event instead of carpooling
- If hosting an event, specify an end time
- Communicate with friends when you will be leaving
- Decide ahead of time at what point you will be leaving
- Just go — those who know and love you will understand and if not, you can explain later
I hope these small mindset shifts helped you to think about how to create boundaries relating to your time. If you would like to read my post ‘Lesson Learned the Hard Way’, I speak more about how I personally stopped letting others’ expectations control my life and made a change for the better.
I’d love to hear some ways you create your own boundaries around social situations and your time in the comments below!
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