How often have you felt the societal pressure to do something that doesn’t benefit you, make you happy or wastes your time? When you stop to think about it, you’ll find it happens more often than you’d imagine. We get hung up on what we ‘should’ do, and we don’t stop to wonder if we ‘want’ to do it or if it needs to be done at all!! We’ve been conditioned to think there’s something wrong with us if we can’t ‘do it all’ or be a ‘supermom’.
I know the weight of this pressure all too well. As I said in my bio, I’m a reformed Type-A personality. I was the queen of doing everything expected of a mom. Miss Perfect. Miss Make Everyone Happy. Miss Doormat. Miss Put Everyone Before Herself (even those who don’t deserve it). It left me stressed, unhappy and resentful. Let me tell you, that kind of life is not sustainable.
The Breakdown
After many years of living this way, it all came to a head one afternoon while I was about to bring the laundry downstairs. I had to sit down at the top of the staircase because I felt dizzy, there was pain in my chest, and I was having trouble breathing. I thought I was having a heart attack!
It took many tests and doctor visits to diagnose me with panic attacks. I was also struggling with anxiety and bouts of depression. I was trying to do too much and putting unnecessary pressure on myself trying to live up to the societal ideal of a wife and mother.
This was during the second year of the pandemic; both of my kids were moving on from their current schools (my oldest from middle to high school and my youngest from elementary to middle school) and at that time I was a stay-at-home mom. The world was semi-shutdown, my kids were growing up and I was feeling lost without a purpose and without the will to do anything about it. It took some time and a little medication but eventually I felt like myself again. Talk about a lesson learned the hard way!
Time to Reassess
After that, I took a good hard look at my life. I thought, what are the things that are most important to me? The answer was not surprising:
- My family
- My friends
- My health
- My home
What was even more important was when I asked myself, what things do NOT matter to me?
- People who drain my energy or don’t match the effort that I put into relationships
- Having a picture-perfect home (a picture perfect ANYTHING for that matter)
- Saying ‘yes’ to the things I want to say ‘no’ to
I was learning to respect myself, my space and my energy more than that of others. I was finding my voice, finding my SELF. Miss Perfect was gone, I became, Miss Good Enough and Those Who Don’t Like It Can Kiss My…you get the idea.
Figuring out the next steps
You may be wondering what the point of all this is and what does it have to do with a clean and organized home?
For me, everything! I was ready to find my purpose. As I said, my kids were getting older, and it was time to get back out to the working world on my terms. I wanted to be able to be home for my kids and do all the stay-at-home mom stuff I was already doing. Whatever I did had to be worth it for me and not take away from my home life.
I began by figuring out what I liked to do. It turns out that its cleaning, organizing, redecorating and optimizing home spaces. Once I came to that conclusion, I had to decide how to turn my passions into a job. After some trial and error, I realized that the best way to do that was to start my own business. That way, I could control my schedule and still be available to my family…and that’s what I did!
Letting Go
For a while, doing what I love and bringing in some extra money was enough to give me some purpose and help pull me out of my former rut. It was hard balancing my new-found job duties and my family after many years of being home all the time. My time away from home was solely during school hours so that I was always home when the kids got home. Granted, I was exhausted, but I was home.
When you are cleaning, organizing and painting other people’s houses all day, it’s difficult to come home and have the energy to keep up your own space. My family had to adjust, and I had to let some things go. I let my house get a little more messy than usual, I wasn’t always up for cooking dinner, and I didn’t stress over straightening my house anytime guests popped over. And you know what?? No one died, no one called the police, no one stopped being my friend.
Change for the Better
As I began to let go, I noticed my family changing.
My husband would load the dishes into the dishwasher if I went upstairs after dinner without cleaning up. When it came to the kids’ schoolwork, I decided with them both being teenagers, they are old enough to manage their grades themselves and I stopped doing it. My husband still felt it was important to keep on them, so he took over that role, and he’s great at it.
My kids would see me napping on the couch when they got home from school and quietly tiptoe by so as not to wake me (I became a person who unapologetically takes naps now…it’s UNBELIEVABLE). They got used to asking Dad for things and he became more available to them. We didn’t even discuss all of these changes, they naturally occurred. My family stepped up to fill in the gaps of the things I no longer had time to do.
This is how it should be. Mom doesn’t equal martyr. I am entitled to my own time, happiness, less stress and NAPS! I should feel free to let things go and have no problem asking others to pick up my slack. We all live in this house together, I’m not the only person capable of knowing what needs to be done and doing it. If something needs to be done badly enough, and I don’t do it, I’m sure the grown man and half-grown boys living in my house can figure it out.
You are in charge of your life
Now, how does my journey relate to you?
If you get anything out of this long-winded post, I hope that it’s this: YOU are in charge of YOUR life. YOU get to decide how best to raise your kids, spend your time and fold your laundry. Do not let ‘them’ tell you what you have to do and who you have to be. Spend your time on this Earth with the people you love, doing the things that make you feel good. Anyone who has a problem with that does not need to be in your life.
You deserve time explore your passions, relax, connect with people and take time away from your household and childcare duties unapologetically and with ZERO mom guilt. I want you to take this attitude with you into all of my posts. My advice is meant to help you do what needs to be done without perfection or stress. When I give you advice, if it doesn’t work for you, disregard and move along. You make the rules.
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